Telling the family that their loved one had died is highly stressful, even devastating, for the doctor bearing the bad news. Their choice of words could severely impact the grieving family, but they must be said in a timely fashion. That means that the doctor goes from trying to save the dying patient to soon reporting the demise. It’s a heart-wrenching job that commonly involves the family breaking down in tears or anger. There’s no easy way to confront such a situation, and on bad days, the doctor involved can go home upset and grieving. [1]
Louis M. Profeta MD, an Emergency Physician at St. Vincent Emergency Physicians in Indianapolis, Indiana, posted on LinkedIn what he does before reporting the bad news: He looks up the dead patient’s Facebook account. [2]
Doctor Checks His Dead Patient’s Facebook
His post particularly confronts young patients who have parents waiting for them. These patients’ deaths were accidental, but more tragically, they were often preventable. And that makes bearing the news to their grieving parents so much more difficult. So he checks their Facebook profile first.
“It kind of keeps me human,” he writes. “You see, I’m about to change their lives — your mom and dad, that is. In about five minutes, they will never be the same, they will never be happy again. Right now, to be honest, you’re just a nameless dead body that feels like a wet bag of newspapers that we have been pounding on, sticking IV lines and tubes and needles in, trying desperately to save you. There’s no motion, no life, nothing to tell me you once had dreams or aspirations. I owe it to them to learn just a bit about you before I go in.
“Because right now . . . all I am is mad at you, for what you did to yourself and what you are about to do to them.
“Maybe you were texting instead of watching the road, or you were drunk when you should have Ubered. Perhaps you snorted heroin or Xanax for the first time or a line of coke, tried meth or popped a Vicodin at the campus party and did a couple shots. Maybe you just rode your bike without a helmet or didn’t heed your parents’ warning when they asked you not to hang out with that “friend,” or to be more cautious when coming to a four-way stop. Maybe you just gave up.“
Grief manifests itself in different ways, and for him, anger comes to the forefront in these cases. To quell this reaction, he looks at the social media of the dead patients. He looks at their lives beyond this one incident to see who they really were, the beautiful person their parents will miss terribly. Connecting with patients in this small way helps him break the news to their loved ones. In this minuscule way, he fathoms who they lost.
“I see you wearing the same necklace and earrings that now sit in a specimen cup on the counter, the same ball cap or jacket that has been split open with trauma scissors and pulled under the backboard, the lining stained with blood. Looks like you were wearing it to the U2 concert. I heard it was great.
“I see your smile, how it should be, the color of eyes when they are filled with life, your time on the beach, blowing out candles, Christmas at Grandma’s; oh you have a Maltese, too. I see that. I see you standing with your mom and dad in front of the sign to your college. Good, I’ll know exactly who they are when I walk into the room. It makes it that much easier for me, one less question I need to ask.
“You’re kind of lucky that you don’t have to see it. Dad screaming your name over and over, mom pulling her hair out, curled up on the floor with her hand over her head as if she’s trying to protect herself from unseen blows.
“I check your Facebook page before I tell them you’re dead because it reminds me that I am talking about a person, someone they love—it quiets the voice in my head that is screaming at you right now shouting: “You mother f***** how could you do this to them, to people you are supposed to love!” [3]
Reporting a Death, From the Doctor’s Perspective
This post resonated with many people, with parents who had to hear this terrible news and those who suffered from self-destructive habits; it’s terrifying to realize the unthinkable effect on their own parents. It also struck a chord with medical professionals who recognized the pain of reporting a dead patient.
The task is more complicated than just saying, “Your loved one is dead.” Staff members need to be prepared for the lashing out of emotions that often occurs, and they must remain calm and gentle through it. They need to clean and make the body presentable before the relatives can enter the ICU. The family will always remember the hospital staff’s kindness during this terrible time, and it could create lasting effects on their grieving process. [4]
Although death is part of a doctor’s job, it doesn’t make it easier. Sometimes a particular death could particularly affect the doctor. Losing a patient could cause feelings of helplessness, guilt, or failure. They feel the grief, but they grieve privately to stay professional. Despite their career, they are still humans with emotions.
Ranjana Srivastava, an Australian oncologist, believes that this grief is a positive thing. “Being a doctor is emotionally punishing, but connecting with our patients as fellow human beings is what renders it not merely a job, but an incomparable vocation.” [5]
Looking up Facebook profiles is Dr. Profeta’s way of connecting to people he never knew but whose deaths still impact him.
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References
- “I’ll Look at Your Facebook Profile Before I Tell Your Mother You’re Dead.” LinkedIn. Louis M. Profeta MD. October 13, 2018.
- “Why doctor looks at dead patients’ Facebook pages before notifying their parents.” Yahoo. October 18, 2018
- “Breaking news of death to relatives.” Nursing Times. February 4, 2011
- “Death in the hospital: Breaking the bad news to the bereaved family.” Indian Journal of Critical Care Medicine. Sadananda B. Naik. May–June 2013
- “Death is part of a doctor’s job.” BMJ.