Stop asking ‘how are you?’ Harvard researchers say this is what successful people do when making small talk

Small talk is difficult for many people, but it’s, unfortunately, the cornerstone of social interaction. Fortunately, Harvard researchers investigated the best way to chitchat while appearing more confident and making a good impression. After analyzing over 300 online conversations, they found that those who asked meaningful follow-up questions seem more likable. In other words, stop using empty phrases like “how are you?” and “what do you do?”.

Ask Questions During Small Talk

The awkward lull during small talk can be avoided by asking questions that can foster a meaningful conversation. “When people are instructed to ask more questions, they are perceived as higher in responsiveness, an interpersonal construct that captures listening, understanding, validation and care,” the researchers wrote in the study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. [1]

Likability is an important attribute when it comes to forming and maintaining good relationships. It also is key for influencing others and helping them feel better about themselves. And asking questions — instead of talking about your own perspectives and experiences — is an easy way to improve your likability. After all, it shows that you respect others’ opinions and appreciate their experiences. 

Moreover, people like talking about themselves and their thoughts and feelings. Studies show that this kind of talk triggers pleasurable activity in the same area of the brain as food and money. So when people are encouraged to talk about themselves, they feel better about themselves, and therefore they feel better about you.

To facilitate this kind of conversation, you have to pick meaningful follow-up questions. For instance, if you open with “what do you do?” don’t follow-up with another basic question like “where are you from?” Instead, ask a meaningful follow-up question about their job, like “That sounds impressive. What’s the hardest part of your job?” or “What made you interested in this field?” Then continue to follow-up. If they say the hardest part of the job is the customer complaints, ask about the most ridiculous complaint they’d receive. Then follow-up with a question about how they managed to react so calmly, and so on. 

One question should lead to the next one, as it shows you are genuinely interested in what they are saying while encouraging the other person to open up. This can cultivate a meaningful conversation where the other person feels heard and validated and likes you better for it. And you may like yourself better as well, because it’s enjoyable to bring joy to others. [2]

How to pick ice-breakers

But don’t open with “what do you do”. This question at a networking event classifies them as a “work” contact, which can limit the conversation. Instead, pick a less cliche question that can establish a commonality. Having multiple topics to bond over strengthens the connection. Here are some examples to try:

• Where did you grow up?
• What are you excited about these days?
• What’s the best thing that happened to you this year?
• What do you like to do for fun? [3]

Also, skip the news update. You know, these go-to small talk topics, the weather, the traffic, and so on. Unless the weather is your genuine interest or the person you’re talking to, the weather is an impersonal opening that doesn’t contribute to the conversation. Instead, move on to more personal and enjoyable topics for both of you.

To find better ice-breakers, observe your surroundings. You may find inspiration in the setting or on the person, like an exciting piece of art on the wall or a distinct accessory. Then ask a question that can spark a longer discussion. Another ice-breaker could be interesting personal news, like a new pet or a show you had seen over the weekend. This can help others feel more comfortable to open up as well. 

It doesn’t hurt to ask

Perhaps above all, pay attention to your body language. Keep a welcoming facial expression and tone of voice. Maintain eye contact. For many people, it’s difficult — maybe even painful — to make small talk. But don’t be afraid to make the first move, to be the first to speak in a meeting, or to initiate a conversation with a new person. [4]

“People spend most of their time during conversations talking about their own viewpoints and tend to self-promote when meeting people for the first time,” concludes the researchers. “In contrast, high question-askers—those that probe for information from others—are perceived as more responsive and are better liked. Although most people do not anticipate the benefits of question-asking and do not ask enough questions, people would do well to learn that it doesn’t hurt to ask.”

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